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Sifting Through Words

30 Mar

It’s been over 2 years since I’ve written here. A lot has happened in those 2 years. A lot of tears shed, a lot of rejoicing & celebrating. A lot of emotions and uncertainties tied with learning how to navigate new terrains. A lot of bumps on the road and learning what it looks like to be an adult. A lot of standing back up after feeling like I fell down and a lot of letting others in so they could help pull me back up. A lot of sweet moments have filled these 2 years as well – walking down the aisle to my groom probably being the sweetest.

Marriage is sweet and where it feels like I’ve been sifting through words, trying to find the ones that best fit what’s going on in my heart and mind, he is the one who gets the babbles. Who looks past the words that I try to fit and goes to the deeper meaning behind them in my heart. Who sees me at my worst, yet loves me in those moments the same way he does at my best. He is my reminder of God who has been near.

Even when words have not been near, He has been near. I forget that in my sifting, in my grasping for understanding.

I let fear write my story, my emotions when I forget.

I’ve been thinking about blogging a lot lately. How good it is for me to sit and stop and try to put words to the thoughts in my head. It becomes an “ah ha” moment for my soul. The formulating of what’s been going on. A written stone to remember the places in my heart that God came. That He was near.

I love that “Trust Furiously” became my anthem years ago. It reminds me again today, even now as worry and fear try to sneak in, that furious is not passive. I can trust God. Even when my emotions don’t line up and I’m sifting through words, He is always trustworthy. Here’s to the journey of trusting, dear friends. During the times you feel like you understand and especially during the times when you feel as if you’re sifting through words.


safest & easiest

28 Oct

Screen shot 2013-10-28 at 12.30.18 PM

Reminded again in this season of life that the safest and easiest options are not always the ones that lead to the most life and freedom.  I get scared of being hurt, of not choosing the right way, of new things.  The easiest and safest option is to just not do those things.  To avoid uncomfortable and go the route already taken that already feels comfortable.

As I look back at the last few years though and think through all of the times I finally chose the harder and more uncomfortable option, I become more and more convinced that this is the way to go.  When God invites me into new places, it’s worth the risk.  It’s worth what may or may not happen because even though the outcome is uncertain, I stand on the certainty that He will be with me through it all.

That although this isn’t an invitation to be foolish, it is an invitation to trust in a deeper capacity.  To choose again that God knows my heart and only leads me into the things that bring freedom and closer friendship with Him.  That although all I want to do is go with the easier option, I know that He is faithful. And if I choose to risk with Him, I will come out on the other side much more victorious than I would if I went the easy way.

Here’s to the courage today to go the way that doesn’t feel safe or easy.  To choose the risk if Jesus is inviting.  Here’s to finding freedom by doing the things that make us afraid.

living less loved

8 Sep

He loves me! by Wayne Jacobsen is a book you must read if you’ve ever questioned God’s love.  I know, how could you ever questioned God’s love… but we’re not talking theory or ideas.  We’re talking how the core of your heart responds to situations.

Jacobsen writes:  “When we worry that God will ask us for some horrible sacrifice, we live less loved.  When we indulge ourselves in sin, we live less loved.  when we give into anxiety in the crush of our circumstances, we live less loved.  when we try to earn God’s favor by our own efforts, we live less loved.  Even when we get caught up in religious obligations to make ourselves acceptable to him, we live less loved.”

So, naturally I asked myself and God where are places that I’m living less loved?

It hit me harder than I was expecting.  I came up with a list of 5 places that seem to be my struggle points.  The places where I believe lies about the most, the places I have to fight for truth to reign over my emotions, the places I have finally gotten brave enough to talk to God about.  The places of anxiety about the future – a job and a husband.  My perception of myself and my response to conviction to sin.  The raw places in me that are easy to walk timidly around.

Then I asked God how I get to the place of living loved?  I couldn’t get past Ephesians 3: 14-19.  I find myself here often, but today it held a new weight.  In the amplified version, it continually comes back experiencing God’s love.

“My Christ through your faith [actually] dwell (settle down, abide, make His permanent home) in your hearts!  May you be rooted deep in love and founded securely on love.  That you may have the power to be strong to apprehend and grasp with all the saints [God’s devoted people, the experience of that love] what is the breadth and length and height and depth of it; that you may really come to know [practically, through experience for yourself] the love of Christ, which far surpasses mere knowledge [without experience]; that you may be filled [through all your being] unto all the fullness of God [may have the richest measure of the divine Presence, and become a body wholly filled and flooded with God Himself!]”

Really come to know – practically, through experience for yourself.  Which then surpasses the knowledge which is without experience.  I know I’ve experienced the love of God time and time again.  But I felt an invitation while reading it to ask God to allow me to experience His love in those places where I’m specifically living less loved.  I can try all I want to get myself into shape and conquer these places on my own but that’s about as ridiculous as it sounds.  It defeats the whole point God is trying to show my heart.

It is only be looking to Him, offering those places to Him and giving Him access to my eyes that I will live fully loved.  For it is never His love towards me that changes – that is constant and extravagant.  It’s how I see and receive it.  Something I know and have heard in church but a place I want to fight for to be real.  To be apart of my story.  Of how God took eyes that merely knew without experience the love of God to standing securely and being flooded by God Himself – a love that holds no barriers, no boundaries and no dimensions beyond deep, wide, and high.

what will be your space jam?

23 Mar

If you haven’t seen Kid President’s pep talk on youtube yet, stop reading this and watch it. Now.  Anyone who has been around me knows I have brought it up frequently since my first time seeing it.  I just love it.

I love the idea that something I want to quit right now could be a great victory ahead.  “My space jams” seem scary, big and impossible.  It doesn’t seem like the things I’m doing now will produce to much later.  But I’m glad my space jams are impossible in my own strength.  How right they must be.  For the things I can accomplish on my own doing really won’t accumulate to something that will last.  But the things that God wants to do through me will be remembered for years to come.  They’ll stand testament to the goodness and faithfulness of God to do extraordinary things through ordinary people.

What have you been dreaming up?  What’s the glory story you are dying to see?  Where do you want to quit because it seems too hard and too impossible?

Don’t quit.  The world needs another space jam.  (&a reason to dance)

heart anthem

17 Dec

you are worthy

of all my adoration

even in the depths

of circumstances i would not choose.


sung with hope inside my eyes

16 Dec

sink or swim i’m diving in to the passions of your heart where love starts.


9 Dec

Treasure (verb) – to retain carefully or to regard or treat as precious; cherish.

Being in the Kingdom of God, you get a lot of treasure.  Our Dad is awfully generous and desires to give us good things.  We ask, He gives.  Most of the time we think of ask and give as material items or certain circumstances (can all the single girls say where’s my husband at?).   But I’m realizing lately how much treasure we get in words from the guy who holds a whole universe in His hands.  As children of God we get to ask questions like what do you think about me, how do you see me, where are you in this situation and HE ANSWERS.  Seriously.  If you’re wondering what I’m talking about, God is a talker.  He really does love to speak to His children.  All you have to do is sit and ask and listen.  Listen to the first thing you hear and if it’s pure, peace-loving, considerate, full of mercy, and sincere (james 3.17) than it’s God.  You can go back and forth on if it’s you just making yourself feel better but it’s honestly a waste of your time.  If you’re encouraged by it, it most likely is God answering your question just like a friend would.

I was reading my journal this morning and looking back at this past week and was blown away by the things God said to me.  Things that were so tender, gentle and EXACTLY what my heart has needed all week.  This is where I become vulnerable and slightly embarrassed – I HAD NO RECOLLECTION OF HIM SAYING THOSE THINGS.  I’m talking things He said just a couple of days ago.  If I hadn’t written it down, they literally would have been lost forever.  Here I am caught up in my emotions and how I feel needing those life giving words and had totally forgotten that they had already been spoken to me.  I literally didn’t remember hearing those words from God.

And that was a good, humbling ah ha moment for me. For I had gotten in such a routine of asking God questions that I would ask, listen, write and move on. Sure, I might have been encouraged while writing but I just went on to the next thing without letting it go deep, without letting my heart revel in all of it’s goodness, without getting it in me so that it brought life for more than a couple of seconds.  Sometimes we can find ourselves either not asking God questions or asking but not treasuring.

Being God’s friend means I’m a treasure seeker and treasure inheritor.  But it’s up to me to treasure my treasure.  I want to cherish the words of God, I want to hold them and protect them like the jewels that they are.  I want the words of God to not just pass me by, fill quick minutes but to fully invade my life.  To be what I think about, what I press into, what I dive into to find more.  I don’t want to simply move on to the next thing but get out all of what has already been given me.  I want to be a good treasurer.

Here’s to the treasure hunting ahead and the treasure cherishing that will follow!